24th/25th August 2017

Its just about midnight, and I can't sleep. I'm not even tired, actually that's not true, my body is quite tired but my brain (what little I have left) will not switch off, or even 'tone down'.

Its on full, bright, glaring  LED fluorescent 'in your face' POWER ON mode.

I had a bone density scan today, nice to have a scan thats comfortable, pain free and quick, it makes a pleasant change. Won't know the results until next week probably. Its only a baseline assessment to see where I'm at re osteoporosis. Zero would be an excellent outcome apparently, fingers crossed for that one then.

No blood results yet, although my consultant is going to ring me tomorrow ( now today) to have a chat.

This then is the major cause of my sleeplessness.

I cant help but think that the CA125 has risen again, instead of the decrease we were looking for, I fear the tumour in my neck is still there, radiotherapy only partly destroyed it, and then the 'smudge' of colour in my abdomen (shown on last CT scan in January) is yet another tumour growing.

Of course I have absolutely no proof of any of this, and tomorrow when I read this blog back I shall be thinking what a waste of time all that worrying was, the suns out, I'm walking, swimming and seeing friends, such a lovely life I lead!

But, the fact is that right here, right now I'm stressing out.

I have this fantastic iridescent, vibrant 'bubble' that surrounds me, full of good energy, positive thought, and sparkling clean oxygen, only despite its double glazed thickness there is always someone or something trying to burst it.

 In my mind I'm racing ahead into my unknown future, and not only mine, thinking often of my current friends who are in the midst of their own campaign with the disease.  The friends who are no longer here, friends I miss.

I am sorry that this post is so utterly miserable, If i wrote like this every week, even i would stop reading! I just feel that now and then I can have these 'wobbles' these moments of self pity, these times of questioning why. I am only human after all.

Just found a Winnie-the-Pooh quote...

Dont worry

"When you get a sinking feeling, don't worry, its probably because you are hungry."

I'm off to look in the fridge then.....




And so, its now 5:30pm on the 25th and as yet no phone call.

I've had a lovely day, walking dogs, swimming, circuits class, seeing my good friend and gardening, now off to play a bit of tennis.

I am going to post this blog exactly as I wrote it last night, simply because this was one of the initial reasons I started writing it.

An online diary, a way of expressing myself and making sense of the roller coaster ride that I (and family/friends) have been on over the last five years.

KBO