Sunday sailings

Here I am then sitting in a prime seat, right at the front of the Condor Liberation ship, homeward bound.

Just over a week since I left Jersey and whilst I am pleased to be going back home, it's also a little bitter sweet, ( is that my last trip off island?) in fact the whole holiday has been a complex whirl of emotional situations .

The day before I was due to fly out and had to endure all those minor medical procedures it was touch and go wether I would be fit enough to take a holiday in the UK at all.

I will say it, it's not been easy- not physically and certainly not mentally but I wouldn't have changed it for the world , and feel so incredibly grateful that I was able to get over here and spend what has been, very, very precious family time.

I have been coughing now for the best part of a month, and I don't mean the little 'watching an opera/ play annoying little barky coughs " I mean the "I've smoked 60 a day woodbine for fifty years, wheezing, gut wrenching, shoulder heaving, can't breathe coughing spats " . They happen with movement of any kind ( or without), as well as talking (!) , eating, drinking, sitting still reading a book, laughing, crying, cycling, climbing stairs, making tea etc etc .

It is exhausting.

Most of my days are taken up with the effort of doing even the smallest menial tasks- the other family members ie Steve and Bex have taken over the baton of ordering for me in restaurants, when I can't trust myself to speak and don't want to put every other diner off, thinking I had some severe infectious disease, they pause whilst climbing stairs until I can catch up, have become adept at reading my limited sign language, and generally poke fun at my poor brain function when words are mixed in my confused brain.

Still, I believe we've had a good time, I have to learn acceptance, this has not been easy, from feeling fit and well with my goal posts a fair distance apart, my world has shrunk down to micro size in a fairly short space of time. This alone had been hard to deal with, the suddenness of it all, and then I think, well, it's not like you didn't know that this would happen, but still it was unexpected.

I have been on steroids , I'd like to think they've helped a bit, and also taken a few paracetamol each day, that's all the drugs I'm on. I've even stopped taking all the herbal supplements, although the daily turmeric might have helped with the inflammation.

As I look out on the calm, sparkling sea and reflect , I feel so fortunate that I have such a loving family and such a huge wide network of friends, colleagues and acquaintances, other folks are not so lucky.

Never regret anything , and look to the future, I am.

Tomorrow is our eldest son 31st birthday, and I plan to make him a cake, even though he want really want it, and doesn't like cake much- birthdays are to be celebrated.

I also have two hospital appointments in oncology in the afternoon, guessing blood tests and baseline scan.

I am booked into having my first dose of chemo on Tuesday 5th, bloods permitting. I have to say I'm not exactly looking forward to it, but it's a necessary evil . If it helps to shrink the tumours in my chest, dry up the cancerous liquid and help me breathe, with an added bonus of diminishing the troublesome fluid in the groin and legs that would be a positive.

This week they have been talking about the newish ovarian cancer drug ( PARP inhibitor ) niraparib, , we need more advancement with drug trials, to many women are diagnosed far too late, myself included, when like all cancers if caught early ensures a much higher cure rate.

Less than 6 weeks to go before "The Wedding ", and at least I've solved the problem of wether to wear a hat, fascinator or the new hatinator, ( not that I even have an outfit yet) , the taxol ( chemo ) causes hair loss- so let's get ordering those snazzy bandanas and cancelling that hair appointment !

Ps. Thanks to LT who has fed the family this week a sumptuous supper, I know it was gratefully received by the half starved men left on the rock.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad