Another perspective....

It's been while now since I posted anything...and it's not for want of trying...it's just that there's been so much else "on"....so, with the weather on the change today, and the rain just starting to fall on the conservatory roof (it's 12ish), here I am attempting to get my brain into gear. I've spent the first few hours outside....a dog walk with SH at White Rock (always one of Jill's favourite spots) followed by some time in the garden doing some much needed tidying up (again, something that Jilly would have been busy at)...she wouldn't however have been writing blogs at this time of day!

I've deliberately mentioned Jill's name three times already....mainly because there's no point trying to avoid it. There are so many places we went together, so many things we did together (most especially at weekends) that it wouldn't seem right to not acknowledge that fact that her passing is still very raw....but in a detached sort of way. While we've continued to stick together as a family, and discussed everything, one still gets those "moments" when reality kicks in and one has to face the fact that things won't be the same again.

Ten days ago Bex said that it felt like Jill had just gone on holiday...and I know what she meant. In many ways were still in a weird position where she's only been gone for just on three weeks....the sort of time that she might have been away in London for treatment...or on an extended break somewhere. We're not into unknown territory yet when it comes to "time spent apart".... but that situation is slowly changing. If she was at the Marsden we would be now starting to say "it's time she came back...we're starting to miss her". I suspect that's why the next few weeks may very well be tougher in some ways than the last few. In the coming months the fact that Jill isn't coming back will really start to take effect. Last night was a case in point. Over the last few days Jack and Stephe have moved into the Cottage. They're really happy and enjoying the extra space, enjoying the extra distance between us and them, enjoying having a real seperate home. Last night they cooked for us (Pops, Tom, Bex and I) and we had a lovely meal, their first entertaining, in their new home. It's so good to see them so happy and content....but, as we came back home, Bex had a "moment". "Mum would have enjoyed that so much.....it's sad she wasn't here with us". I pointed out that there will be many more instances to come where we will be saying (or thinking) of Jilly, and how she would have loved what we're doing. We know that we will have those moments....and it won't have mattered when Jilly passed on...there would always be those instances. We had the pleasure of Jack and Stephe's wedding....the pleasure of our small party entertaining our neighbours....the pleasure of Jill's trip to the UK to see her family....and we need to be grateful for those times.

Tom has so ably taken up the blog writing that I now feel very inadequate when it comes to posting. I can only hope that our reader (who, according to the stats, is clearly still "logging in" to this blog) doesn't mind too much. My style is very different....and clearly less intelligent...but it does give another perspective. It also allows me to share some of my own input....although Tom seems keen to continue, and I'm very happy for him to do that.

I need to start (yes, I know I'm already 4 paragraphs in) with some sincere thanks. It's difficult to know where to go first...but, when I tell you that there were over 600 people at the service of celebration, and that we've received over 400 cards and letters, you will appreciate my dilemma. All I can do is say that we are so very grateful to everyone. Nearly every card had writing in...some cards we completely covered in writing...everyone had taken the time to put thoughts down in words....and there was some very moving and sincere writing. Jill clearly has had a major impact on many people.  Not that we needed to be told....but it's clear that she was love and admired by so many people....and being able to read all those words has been wonderful...so thank you all.

As a family (and also myself personally) we have now written to those very many doctors and nurses who made Jill's life so much more bearable since we were diagnosed in 2012. Some of those people have been on the journey with us all that time....some we only got to meet in Jill's last couple of days...but they were all equally important. Whether it's been at the Marsden in London, in Accident and Emergency over here, in Rayner Ward...in Pipon Ward...in the Emergency Assessment Unit...in the Oncology department....in the Haematology department...here at home....or, at the end, in Hospice....everyone of those people are in our debt. I cannot speak highly enough of their dedication....of their care and compassion...of their academic knowledge and advice....of their genuine concern for Jill. "Thank you" just doesn't do it....but words have frequently seemed inadequate recently.

It's now 5:30 and Bex and I have been to the cattle show to see the "in milk" classes...and the giant pumpkin (if you want to see new Jersey record vegetable then get up there tomorrow....well worth the admission price)...we've been to The Horse Box for a bacon roll late lunch (just down the road from l'Auberge...again, well worth a visit)....and I'm now just back from walking the dogs again. Getting out and about is a good way to meet people...and everyone is so supportive. I told the whole family that on Monday of this week we were all going back to work, and back to start some sort of new routine. That's worked well, but the "new routine" has already been broken by Dan heading off on holiday, and will be further disrupted by Stephe and Jack also heading off next week. That will leave Tom, Bex and me.....so, instead of 7, we will be 3. It could be interesting.

I didn't mention it previously, but we also had hundreds of people turn up at the RJA for the wake. I'm also grateful to all the team at Trinity for making the facility available at such short notice. It was a challenge to predict the numbers...and even more difficult to find a venue. Some went for a swim after the service...some went between the service and the wake...and in both cases Jill would have really appreciated that...it was exactly the sort of thing she would have done herself. Indeed, I thought quite a few times during the afternoon that the last place she would have wanted to be on such a glorious day would have been a funeral!

We've started "sorting" the house... I'm not going to be one of those who finds themselves many years down the line with "clothes still in drawers and wardrobes". After a couple of "sorting sessions" one thing does come to mind.....just how many pairs of trainers and sports outfits does one person need? "Many", seems to be the answer. I can see that different sports have different needs.... but WOW.... we have more trainers than Sports Direct! Anyway, they've all gone to good causes....we've tried to find young sportspeople who would appreciate them, and then (if not) Hospice will get the proceeds of their sale. We're not there yet, but it gives us a target to aim at...and having timetables and targets will be important. We need to be very careful not to fall into aimless afternoons and evenings.

There's so much more I could write, and I'll save some for later, but I'll finish with some very basic requests if I may. There are now quite a few plates and dishes up here at Seaford that we don't own....food that's been dropped off and consumed...but the "food containers" remain. I'll try to post a photo....and if something seems to be yours then please shout. I'm also going to post a photo of the cards we received...I know that doing that might not be everyone's cup of tea, but I think our reader might appreciate a look.