Associations

If you're a programmer you might have heard joke that goes something like 

There are two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.

Whilst that may be the worst joke you've ever heard, there is some truth in the fact that naming things can be quite challenging.

Today is no exception as it's taken me over 10 minutes to try and work out what to put as the post title. 

Writing a title shouldn't be hard, but I'm going to be honest, i've sometimes been feeling a little bit lost lately.  Whilst I felt comfortable with the concept of death, the reality can be a little different.  

The finality of death has a tendency to rears it's ugly head when you're least expecting it and kick you right in the gonads. 

I feel I am coping pretty admirably (like a 9/10) so it's not all doom and gloom.  Day to day things are fine, it's just hard to break some of those hardwired associations that you have in your head. 

This could be things like saying "I don't know how mum sleeps with Dads snoring" only to realise that you now need to be talking in the past tense.  

Or perhaps it's something more substantial.  A few weeks ago I was out in the meadow chopping a tree, when I was all of a sudden surrounded by the dogs.  I looked up to see a figure on the horizon, and for a fleeting moment my brain told me it was mum, as 99% of past times it has been.

It's not that the figure on the horizon wasn't mum that was the problem, it's that it's never going to be her.   

It reminded me of a clip from Futurama.

Given enough time, I am sure it will be easier to reconcile the sadness of her passing with a deep appreciation of her and the effect she’s had on not just my life, but everyone that she’s touched.

The presence of death keeps us mindful of our limited time in the world and ensures that we focus our time and energy on the right things, like making us better appreciate the time we spend with family and friends.  I know Dad alluded to this in his last post.

If we consider life to essentially be a long list of experiences, then death is an eraser for parts of that list.  When things are removed from the list, life gets the opportunity to substitute a new perspective in its place.  You adapt, and you move on.

Move on to things like taking portrait selfies with the dogs.