Hooray for today!

Yesterday was not a good day. Yesterday I fell, badly. A long way. In fact all the way from the top of my fictional rollercoaster to the bottom.

It started ok with a lovely long dog walk along the cliff paths, windy, but in sunshine. Then I went to a friends funeral. This was not a 'good' funeral, she was only 41 with two young children and a husband who loved her very much.

This was a very, very sad funeral. I've not seen the church at St Martin so packed since last Christmas, and thank goodness for the choir, as nobody sang. It's difficult to sing when most people are crying, including me.

Thank you TE for sitting next to me, made it all slightly more bearable.

Feeling very emotional and totally drained I went off to the hospital for my blood test results and a chat with KG. Chat? I couldn't string two words together.

My CA 125 has gone up again to 42, that's in about 6 weeks, so rising fairly fast. The rest of the the bloods all seem fine and my low white cell count is marginally higher than it's been in ages.

The very big question is Chemo now or Chemo later, lots of discussion and even hauled NB in from Oncology (which was a very good idea, even though I felt as if sometimes we were talking about 'the third person'.

It feels as though the decision on when to have the Chemo lies with us, and we're just not sure. On one hand have it now while I am still fit and 'healthy', and able to cope with the side effects. Or do we wait until my CA 125 is very high and I'm showing symptoms.

This however could be dangerous, we could delay too much and if the tumours ( we assume there's quite a few scattered around) cause major disruption to internal organs I may not be able to have chemo, and so thats curtains for sure.

The chemo itself is not without its own issues. The more you have ( this would be my third lot) the more chance of an allergic reaction, never mind the reasonable high  risk of me becoming very ill, neutropenic and dying anyway.

Either way there was a feeling of sad resignation in that hospital room, Frustration tinged with sadness, for all of us, searching for the right answer but going round in circles.

I am having this ultrasound still on Friday, just to measure this tumour in my neck , so we can monitir it. Also I think Steve and I will go over to the Marsden and talk to Oncology over there, I feel as if it would be good to show my face and make sure "they don't forget me, and write me off".

I know the hospital and everyone here in Jersey are doing a brilliant job day in day out, but some of the new cutting edge stuff, trials and treatments are in the UK , and I need to become known, talked about and generally make a nuisance of myself ( yes, I know I'm good at that).

Thanks SW for meeting me after the hospital appointment and sticking me back together, and also thanks to AB for the beautiful flowers today, plus numerous cards and texts I've had along the way.

Steve has, as always been brilliantly positive, strong and level headed, and so I'll end this blog with a line or two  taken from a 'gratitude' book I was given by AH a long time ago.

Most of the things in life we have no control over-but we do have a choice about how we see them. 

Accept the love of others as they can give it-this is the way to experience unconditional love.