I don't think that any of us, me especially, expected to be still be here at Jilly's bedside. She continues to confound us all....her heart is so strong. Her muscles have taken a real pasting from the steroids...and she certainly would struggle to hold a tennis racquet or badminton racquet now....but her heart keeps pumping. As Tom has said, we have quiet moments...and "chatty moments"...and at the moment we're chatting.
The two Andys (both nurses) are currently making some adjustments to the pump that's trickling the morphine into Jilly's system. Both Doctors were here a few minutes ago and we all had a chat about continuing to keep Jilly as comfortable as we can. A little change of angle.... a little less pressure on one side, and then the other. Maybe a light blanket on her legs. We have to use the experience of the last few days to try to find the best position, and the best temperature...and we have very little reaction from Jill now to guide us.
We've spent the last few minutes trying to practical. Dog food and cat food need purchasing....and Pops has been messaged to sort that out. We've discussing "jobs to do on the boat over winter"....a typical and necessary "boys discussion", especially when we're really trying to take our mind off things for a few minutes. Stephe has just gone off to more drinks...hot chocolates and coffees...we all need our "mid mornings".
In my own personal quiet moments I've been trying to get my head around "selfishness". When I get sad, depressed and tearful, why is that? Who am I really sad for? Why am I going to be so upset at Jilly's passing? The answer is because I'm going to have my own life affected...I'm going to have to do things differently because Jills no longer here. Underneath it all I'm predominantly upset for myself....and that's plain selfish.
I've posted on this subject before...I should be happy to have shared so much of my life with Jilly...that she's been my wife....that we've brought up four wonderful children....that we've had so many great times together. Celebrations are going to be difficult to achieve in the hours to come, but I hope that I will find a way to see the positives and not the negatives as we move forward from today.
Hell Steve and family. I remember many years ago we all holidayed at Pat Dubras’ House in Brittany. Fun times long gone. I wrote this poem after my mum and Pat died. My mum was my best friend and Pat was my second bestie. I hope you are not offended by me sending it to you. I am an only child and grandchild so I didn’t have the wonderful ful love and support of a family but I know how it feels to lose your mum, your best friend. ♥️♥️♥️
ReplyDeleteThe Last Breath
(Dedicated to my dear mother and to Pat Dubras, my dear friend)
Do not take that final breath.
Keep it for another day.
Open your eyes and smile,
Tell me you love me,
But…
Today there must be no death.
Do not take that final breath.
Hold it in abeyance now.
Sit up, talk, crave a cup of tea,
So I can tell you that I love you,
But…
Today there must be no death.
Do not take that final breath.
Let us stall time,
Stop still and wait forever.
Hold my hand as I hold yours,
But…
Today there must be no death.
Today there will be death.
My selfish wants.
A mother and friend's selfless love.
Heaven awaits the shattered spirit
and
She takes her final breath.
jane wakeham 2011©
This blog is heartbreaking but yet so beautiful at the same time. It should be published and money raised for Cancer Relief, it would inspire so many other families that are going through what you're going through and I know people would find great comfort in your words.
ReplyDeleteThere are going to be many many people thinking and praying for you all today, the sun is shining bright for you Jilly xxxx
Words fail me right about now - I do understand your feelings though - my lovely Mum passed away last October and she also was on a morphine drip and also had a very strong heart. I have spent a few hilarious moments with Jill on the racketball court and my hope is that wherever she travels to next has a good court for her to bash out some balls! My thoughts are with you all - Rachel xxx
ReplyDeleteBig strong heart, that’s our Jill. Much love to you all xx
ReplyDelete