It's a curious thing, actually waiting for someone to die. So much time spent is spent thinking or just in silence, and whilst the mind is a wonderful thing, it does need an outlet to stop it running a little wild.
Being sad puts an emotional strain on you, and I think in the last few days both Dad and myself have found some comfort in writing the blog. I know every post i've made has resulted in me becoming quite emotional, but at the same time there is a cathartic nature to writing that I enjoy.
We had a conversation yesterday about whether or not each of us wanted to be with mum when she passed. It wasn't something that had been discussed before. Mum always said that we should live to have no regrets, and I don't want to regret not being with her in her final moments. I think we all feel the same, even if it is incredibly tough.
We've spent enough time up at Hospice that the staff here are becoming familiar faces. I cannot express well enough in words the level of care and attention that both mum and us have received in our week here. One of the nurses just brought us all some toast for breakfast as we're all holed up in the room, a horseshoe of people around her bedside. Each day seems to have blurred into one, and it seems like eons ago that we were all enjoying a roast dinner together last Sunday. Well, we were enjoying the food, I think mum was just enjoying being around us all.
I don't know whether it's just me, but sometimes I have a niggling fear that i'll suddenly have an epileptic fit if I see a strobe light, even though I have no history of epilepsy. I think today I have a similar sort of fear: that when mum stops breathing, I will too. Yes I know it's irrational, but then again quite a lot of fears are.
One of the hardest parts about all of this is seeing other members of your family so upset. I guess in a way it's nice that we can experience the grief together - i'm sure not everyone has this level of support. We are also very thankful that we have so many friends that have helped us all out with food, gifts, and lovely messages. It's always warming to read the comments on this blog.
It's no real surprise to any of us that mum is still ticking along - she has a strong heart.
Lots of love ang big hugs to you all. Xx
ReplyDeleteThinking of you all in this sad time. Words can't express how difficult this must be for you and how hard this message is to write. Jill is one of the best people I have had the privilege of knowing and she inspires me every day to do better. I just wish I had more chances to see her, and I'm sure there are lots of us feel that way! I and so many others will miss her so much. If it's ok..tell my aunt I love her very much.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you all - Charlie XX
As you may know, my husband died from cancer in 1989. I, like you, was in turmoil about whether I felt that I could bear to be with him when he die. He had asked me to make sure that I was with him. I was scared and emotional. The nurses and Dr's were awesome and had many chats with me, very supportive to say the least. They told me that we tend to regret what we haven't done a lot more than things that we have. My husband hung on to life, waiting for me to arrive at 3.02am on a Wednesday morning. He greeted me with a rolling left eye & tried to say 'Hello'..... then died 12 minutes later.... I haven't responded with this solemn post to further depress you my dears, merely to say that witnessing my husband's passing was one of the most tranquil experiences possible. I am positive that you will also feel compelled to be with Jill as she passes and will also feel relieved and thankful that you were. Sending you all lots of love. From Jill Yaxley.
ReplyDeleteI saw my Grandma die at Hospice. I got there JUST in time to see her last fee breaths. I feel it was a privilage and am so glad I was there. Because she was also on lots of drugs it was a calm affair. Looking back on it now I can say it was nice to see her finally at peace. You won't be thinking this at the time I'm sure, but in time you might.
ReplyDeleteWhatever you decide, it will be right for you. X