That sinking feeling....

I nearly started this post at lunchtime. Just as well I didn't. Our reader will remember that mornings these days are not winning any awards for their general jollity (is that a real word?...I fear not, but you know what I mean). They are challenging all round.... no real appetite.... no real enthusiasm.... no real energy.... no real anything much. Jill and I had a real heart to heart....and, had I started blogging then, it would have made for a real reality check. Fortunately the afternoon is now passed, and I am one of many (5 actually) who are around the bed choosing from a curry takeaway menu for this evening's meal. Jack has just finished his day shift and has promised to pick something up. We've argued about the merits or otherwise of Chinese, Indian or Thai....that took 10 minutes....then we spent another 10 minutes choosing which Indian we wanted to order from......and now, having decided that, we're arguing about the level of spice, and other such technicalities such as "chicken or lamb?"....or fish?...or vegetable? Some of us are reading the menu in a (pretty poor) Indian accent....like that's supposed to help....and then, how many different rice options does a man need to choose from?  Just bloomin' order something, anything.....I'm flippin' starving!

I brought in a selection bag full of various (let's call them) bathroom necessities early this morning. Dan had come in first thing, and I took over from him. I was instructed to place the various bits and pieces in their strategic places in the bathroom. I entered said room with my plastic bag full of goodies (yeah...right)....but where to put the bag while I unloaded it? The sink seemed an obvious place. The shape of the bowl would keep the bag upright while I emptied it. Into the sink went the bag...and that's when the fun started (although anyone listening wouldn't have thought I was having fun). I had just managed to forget that the very clever sinks up here at Hospice have very clever taps that come on automatically when you place you hands underneath them...or, in my case, your plastic bag. Let's just say that some things didn't go on the shelf but straight in the bin provided!

Tomorrow is Battle of Britain day, and I've decided to sell tickets. I joked about the number of people who would want to come and see Jilly tomorrow afternoon....but some seem to have taken me very seriously. Goodness knows how many well wishers would want to be here. At least, if she stays in bed Jill will be able to sleep, as we will all be outside watching the planes! Seriously though, we can push her bed out of the double doors if necessary...so we can all have an ooohhh and an aaahhh together. Let's hope for some top weather....the forecast is looking good at the moment.

It may be that Jill IS in her bed for the Air Show. Walking has been added to the (now very) long list of things that are becoming a real struggle.....actually it has become a real struggle. It's now evident that walking is not happening anymore....it's too exhausting....too hard. Fortunately Hospice is well equipped for just such an eventuality, as one would expect. There's a special wheelchair that goes everywhere, it wheels into the bathroom and just fits over the toilet, and then goes straight into the shower. That wheelchair's been a real necessity today...Jill just wouldn't have been able to do things otherwise. The shower episode (and Jill's admission that she also needed said wheelchair to go to the bathroom during the night) have made us all realise that walking isn't happening anymore.

In our usual "black" sense of humour way, we (us boys) are all telling Jill that we're secretly very excited by the news about her non-walking....that's because this room has very recently been fitted with a hoist. We can't wait to "have a play" with the control panel. The safe working load is over 270 kgs so no worries there. I'm not being serious of course, but who knows....I may have to eat my words.

As well as the walking issues, and because of the walking issues, we've also had to tackle (and accept) the difficult realisation that Jill won't be coming home from Hospice. That last sentence was difficult to type. It was far more difficult to say this morning when Jill and I discussed how her disease is progressing (and that's not the best word to use) but it's the one I've chosen because I can't think of a better one at the moment. Jill is pushing us all to be "up front" about all this. Jill's been leading us all (at individual times, and when we're together) in discussions about her death, which won't be very far away now. She has told us that she knew in her heart when she left home on Monday (to go to the haircut at Les Ormes) that she wouldn't be coming back. Jill's been reminding us all about the wonderful and fantastic life we've spent together. Jill's been talking about how there's a time to go, a time to die, a time to "move on". We should be happy that she's happy...we should be content that she's content...we should be satisfied that she's satisfied with her lot. We should be....but it's bloody difficult to be.

As I said on this blog a couple of days ago, I'm a bit of a control freak underneath it all. However, I have to realise that all this is now pretty much outside of my control. I've done what I can, we've all done our absolute best, and I'm comfortable that there's little more that could have been done up to now. That doesn't make it any easier at the moment....maybe in the future. One decision I have taken is that there's no more visitors other than close family now...Jill just isn't up to it. She's barely keeping up with messages on her phone. I'm sorry to have had to do that...there's so many who have been asking when they could "pop in for 5 minutes"....but those 5 minutes would all add up, and Jill really wouldn't cope.

It's now half past nine....and we've spent the last hour or so in the day room eating our takeaway. It was all good....we all sat at the table chewing the proverbial cud...and Jilly was participating in both the eating and the conversation. Jill had ordered Chicken tikka masala.....how do they produce food that looks so red? There was a heated discussion about how many truly natural foods are the particular shade of red. And, after all that, we somehow missed out the order for Jack....who had to make do with leftovers from everyone else. His loss. Actually, he hadn't had the best evening either. On walking in he had followed the instructions on the wall and went to put some gel on his hands to sterilise them, you know, from those machines that are all around the hospital. Jack put his hand under the spout and pushed. No gel....he pushed harder...still no gel. Taking his hand away the machine proceeded to drop a big dollop of gel on to the floor. Unbeknown to him (just like me with my sink incident) the dispenser works automatically. Realising his mistake he put his hand under again....but again no result. He took his hand away....the machine dropped another lump of gel on the floor.....and all this time while a nurse was watching. Talk about feeling embarrassed.

As I type we've now got Jill into bed. Apart from redressing her legs everything has been done...bathroom, medications etc. With luck Jilly's going to sleep well tonight...it's been a big day all things considered. Lots of emotion...lots of hard hitting truths spoken...lots of family...lots of jokes and not a few tears. I'm going to hand over now....Jill is really keen to read what I've written. It will be interesting to see her reaction.....

Bless him, I did say that if you readers have been following the blog, and checking the photos, and caught me in a 'good' ten minutes, most of you would be unaware how quickly my deterioration has become, and how we should be more honest with this particular post. By being 'open' and upfront, it makes me easier for me and those around me I love. 

 Whilst I am on the subject of death, if any of you ever listen to Podcasts, there is any excellent one by Rachel Bond and her two friends who all have bowel cancer, sadly Rachel passed away a week or so ago, but I found that it helped me a lot to listen to the 'process' of dying. An excellent recording from Kathryn Mannix, who has been in Palliative care for a long time, and been at hundreds of  deaths, tackles the whole sensitive subject really well. Written books etc and runs course in the UK. 

I'm typing as the Nurse is dressing my legs, not exactly multi-tasking but still taxing on my pea brain. 

So, a couple photos that got taken yesterday... when the dogs came for a visit...

That's it for tonight folks. Tomorrow, as they say, is another day. It's 23.28 and time for Jilly to try to sleep. I'm not sleeping here yet, so I have to drive home....but I'm getting a bed warmed up and the nurses warned about my snoring. Maybe soon.....