Still fighting.....

I've sat alongside Jilly's various hospital beds for over six years now. In Jersey there's been Rayner Ward, Pipon Ward, Emergency Assessment Unit, Accident & Emergency, and I've sat alongside various beds in various wards at The Marsden. I've sat alongside her sickbed at home here in Jersey, and in rented and loaned accommodation in London. The common denominator in all those above is, of course, that (regardless of how bad things were...and at times things were pretty bad) we always came out of the other side, and recovered. Sometimes it took time...but we got there.

That's why I'm sure somewhere inside my brain there's a section that is still subconsciously telling me "don't worry, we'll be okay...we've done it before and we'll do it again"....Jilly will wake up and we'll move forward to recovery......

.....and then there's another part of my brain that is telling me "no...this is it...this is really it". Half of me wants her to "give in" and slip away. The other half wants her to stay where she is forever so I can carry on holding her hand. That's all I can do now...hold her hand...talk to her and kiss her. Our laughing days are over...our walks with the dogs are over...I can't type more

Her body thinks that it's playing in some sort of sports game....in the final set...striving for victory. The problem is that I don't think Jill's brain can tell her body that this is a final set that it can't win.

I've taken a photo of my hand holding Jill's hand while she sleeps. I'm now crying because I've realised that I'll never be able to show it to her...the realisation that Jill's not going to wake up again is tough. She looks completely at peace...she's relaxed...but somehow inside somewhere she's still fighting....and I'm helpless.

Earlier this week, when we were still able to converse, we were joking about our marriage vows. We've laughed about the fact that we've done poorer, and eventually richer. We've done better and worse. We've done health....and we laughed again about having to do the last one as well....sickness. Bloody cancer.