Never waste a moment....

Steve back again.....I fear that if I don't write something soon I may be "voted out" by some random virtual online poll. I was a bit "blogged out" last night and asked Tom to scribble a few thoughts. As usual, he has his own "way with words". His first line would have taken me paragraphs to come up with....sometimes less is definitely more. "Hospice is so nice that sometimes you forget why you're here".... those few words say it all, and I won't try to elaborate further...my efforts would only detract.

Everything here at Hospice is just peaceful... quiet... tranquil. The gardens and paths are so well laid out, and with so many quiet corners....the view spectacular...the building amazing. Then there's the staff....who have been compassionate, understanding, sympathetic, dignified, knowledgeable, professional and dedicated way beyond their remit. What a wonderful facility we have here. How lucky we are. We, as a family, have already started discussing how we might give something, or do something, to remember Jill by. No doubt there will be more discussion in the near future.

I know I've written about this before, but yesterday, in a very brief moment, Jilly and I (as we looked out of the room over the bay) spoke about the "little things" in life. Since then the levels of drugs have been increased yet again. Only this morning we've decided that swallowing is too much of an effort, so it's just medication under the skin now. In that discussion with the nurses, in which we all took part, we chatted about how we are getting close to the end now. Of course, we don't know when exactly, but soon. It was a necessary conversation....not easy, but necessary. Even the staff here have been touched by our strength as a family, and they've all told us so. What a legacy Jill leaves...our empathy with each other is because of her, and I know she's proud of how we've always stuck together.

Never before have I ever thought that something as small as one single word, or one single eye contact, would mean so much. As Jill gets closer to her passing she is spending more and more time asleep, and consequently those words and looks have become fewer and fewer....indeed, she and I may well have spoken for the last time. It only seems like yesterday that we were talking about how lucky we still were to be able to (with the help of the wheelchair) get into a cafe to eat, drink and look at the view....and how those things were important. Is it really only a week ago today that Jill and I sat in the car at La Pulente and looked out over St. Ouen's Bay? How I wish now I could have known where we would be only a week later. Even the merest squeeze of my hand is now something to be absolutely cherished....and I'm typing one handed hoping desperately (is that the right word?.... Am I desperate? In truth I know that, underneath it all, I am) desperately hoping for one more squeeze...even the smallest movement. I guess the moral of this paragraph is "never waste a single moment".

Throughout the last two nights I have held Jill's hand continuously, even when I was asleep. Somehow that still doesn't seem to be enough...it still feels inadequate. So, whatever it is, "do it now". No one has yet invented that time machine that allows to go back and do the things we realise we've missed....


I'm going to stop there for now....one of us will be back later for sure.