Wednesday 19th September

Wednesday 19^th September (known evermore as ‘Wet Wednesday’)

Tears…….

Sometimes when I’m just stirring from slumber in those delicious moments between sleep and wakefulness I forget……forget about Cancer and blood tests and Chemotherapy.

I DON’T want to be the girl who wears bandanas and a big smile, the one who constantly has a positive outlook, unfazed by the highs and lows of on-going chemo.

It just all got a bit much today, so I guess today was a ‘low point’. Of course hubby hit the nail on the head; all the tears were more than likely because my bloods were so rubbish as much as not having chemo that I had so readily mentally planned.

I met my ‘Chemo Team’ tennis partner at the unit today- worth a photo I thought….

I look so blinkin' healthy....

So to re-cap, I arrived at 10am – lovely Nurse RF hooked me straight up to a cannula with strict instructions not to look at my arm, the needle or him! (No repeat of the fainting episode)! The trouble was in averting my gaze I ended up watching the other two nurses wielding large needles towards their patients- NOT helpful!!

There was such a lovely couple in the chair next to mine- he was so incredibly supportive of his wife, telling me how badly she reacts to the different drugs, and how fortunate in the fact that he is self-employed and didn’t work for 12 days so he could  be there for her. He had a file full of information and a list of questions, and provided a cup full of ice- cubes and drinks to soothe her throat. Honestly that was setting me off before I’d had any blood results!!

I was having the saline washed through in readiness when the results came through, my clotting platelets were 36, (32 on Monday). RF tried to get the drugs released from Pharmacy, but they were having none of it until DR H had signed for it. 

This whole subject of not having Chemo unless my clotting platelets were above 100 is a very controversial issue, and that is what had prevented me from having chemo in the summer.

Dr H came over and said (in so many words) that although he was extremely reluctant and never in his 20 years had he ever given chemo to someone whose clotting platelets were below the recommended 100, the Marsden had instructed him to do so- but really against his better judgment. Not his own words entirely but that was the gist of the conversation.

Whilst he was ‘signing’ for the drugs I asked nurse RF about what side effects I needed to look out for, he very kindly talked me through the possibility of nose bleeds, bruises, bleeding gums, body rashes and severe swelling of joints.

Appearing calm on the outside my insides were doing backflips- I think I had gone into ‘fight or flight’ mode, and it was going to be the latter that won. Mentally I was encouraging myself to go ahead, get on with it, you’ll be fine, inwardly I’d have given Usain Bolt a run for his money!

A few minutes later a (delighted/relived) Dr H came up and said absolutely no possibility of chemo today, my white cells were .4, yes, I was Neutropenic again. In other words my body is fighting an infection of sorts, and there was no way I could cope with any chemo.

Cannula out of vein, an injection in the stomach to boost up bone marrow to produce white cells, and a prescription for antibiotics followed in quick succession.  

Nurse HD who was with another patient but obviously had witnessed the comings and goings of the saga and made the mistake of coming across and saying nice things to me- I barely held it together.

Tears followed and yet more when I got home…….

 Son no 3 and I took Jessie for a walk down into the woods and along the beach. That does wonders for the soul and lifts the spirits.

A tasty bolognaise was prepared for supper as promised, and it was settling to listen to the banter around the table of everyone’s daily activities.

I have cancelled everything tomorrow and just plan to build myself up for chemo on Friday…..

Watch this space……

“Life is like an onion; you peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.”
― Carl Sandburg